2012

I hit 125 pounds today. Dead on. I'm going to celebrate this. And by celebrate I mean smile about it and spend the rest of the day trying to keep my shit under control and not panic about all the shit that is fucked up right now and teetering on the edge and that I don't have answers for.

School starts today.

I want to be positive about the new year, but it's looking grim from where I'm standing right now. Ringing in the new year with noisy, douchecanoe neighbors, illness, nightmares, anxiety and panic doesn't really make for a happy start. Who knew, right? I know!

But I'm also starting the new year still in school (and trust me on this one, right now? That is one hell of an accomplishment!), and ready and determined to dive deep into the deep end of dealing with the anxiety, phobia and ptsd. And I have the best help available for that.

I'm not going to bullshit myself, this year is going to be tough, trying to pretend otherwise is just setting myself up for disappointment and more hurt than I need. But, I will go on record as saying that I think it will also turn out to be the year things finally take a permanent upwards turn because I will be able to accomplish a lot internally and I know now that the internal changes will finally let me be the writer I so want to be and that other people see in me.

To even have one moment where I see that and can say it, and put it on a blog where other people can potentially see it is a victory right there. It may not seem like much to you, Dear Reader, but it is.

I have some posts I've been trying to make for a while now. They're hard posts. And revealing. And that has never been an easy thing for me. But I'll keep picking away at it until I can.

And now it's time to finish doing everything I need to before class starts.