Monday, August 16, 2010

I Can Write Things That Don't Contain the Words Shit or Fuck in Them

I wrote the most amazing short story today. It's about a monster. It has no swearing in it! It was almost kid friendly, but then it had a little old lady lying unconscious in a puddle of her own fear-piss. I don't think publishers like that sort of thing. Then again, today’s youth are a cynical lot, maybe a woman lying in her own pee won’t phase them and everything will be fine.

Publishers! I haz story for you!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Lit 101: or How to Increase the Rate of Suicide In Students!

Also known as:

Lit 101: Cause I wasn't suicidal enough!

Seriously. WTF is up with your depressing need to make a student's life – already rife with stress and misery – worse by subjecting us to the most depressing shit out there? The only thing possibly more depressing and really, it's a toss-up on which is; in fact, more depressing, is the newspaper. Lets rundown the list and see what they have in common.

Depressing subject matter? Check for both.

Rape, murder and humans committing atrocities against one another? Check, check and check! Woooo doggie!

Depressing subject matter? Check and check.

Stories that make me want to take the Knife of Bittersweet Release to my wrist? CHECK.

I was going to write something atrociously funny about the latest novel we've been force-fed, but I don't even have the fucking energy to. It's all just too much. Instead I'm going to curl up in a hot tub, (er, that is a tub filled with hot water. I am not privileged enough to own a hot tub, hot tub) and the Knife of Bittersweet Release and run into the light to that great, wide, nothingness beyond.*


*No, not really. There's no plug for the fucking tub in this goddamn fucking place.

**Yes, yes, I still owe the story of my two times near death experience. It's coming! Stop hassling me already. (And by stop I mean someone please? Harass me for the story. Anyone? Bueller?)


Literature teachers. Here's a clue, because you seem to be in desperate need of one. In your mindless zealotry to turn us all into lit snobs, you don't seem to realize that the boring ass, depressing, distasteful shit you force-feed us only serves to send student after student running as far and fast away from your precious literature as we can possibly get. If you want more people to actually enjoy reading this god-forsaken shit, try writing something happy. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't kill you. Unlike the rest of this shit.